To be or not to be

3 min readNov 7, 2022

The tricky thing about time is the ongoing marathon you did and do with yourself. In a blink of eye you’re getting older with a tired soul. This ongoing battle keep going on that lead into question whether to be or not to be, stay or go.

Just like hamlet did wonder one of these day, which one nobler between put up the pain or end it with agony. Win a battle with revenge in a hand or to give up on the conquer of life itself. Then again, we were barely a Hamlet, we’re just a little kid losing a way back home.

You’re not gonna find that one Claudius to hunt for, or the sadness of Ophelia which lead into madness. Everyone in this life gonna hunt you, they’re either your friend but also an enemy. You can never see their true color, just a very tirelessly agony of life itself.

The slings and arrows

I super hate being part of the system, this fucking institution. It was a waste of time. I’m losing a will to fight or flee, just barely exist. The slings and arrow, a bad things gonna happen for no reason at all. And if I choose to stay, a flying arrow gonna follow me anywhere I go.

These slings and arrow of outrages fortune comes from anyone. It could be a little girl you barely know, a old man with outrageous smile, or just a bald men with a strange eyebrow. The thing is everyone gonna do what they need to do for their own merit. And sadly, you’re barely a material or even a step they need to take in this mad world.

I’ve been able to embrace the slings and arrows for a tirelessly 4 years. And for doing so, you’re gonna need to sell your very being. A walking vessel who barely function at minimum. All those meaningless conversation and question I am no longer recall. Because that’s the price once you put yourself into the calamity of life.

Arms against Sea of Troubles

I do always wonder, what would it be if I just put an end to this. Whatever it comes, it’s gonna haunt me either way. To put myself in the arms against sea of trouble. Giving up to all the tension, drama, misunderstanding for every single day. It’s not gonna be any kind of peaceful zen being. But at least I can shout whatever I want, and truly alone from this fucking mess.

Being part of a team never was my strongest grit, indeed. So, I thought it was the issue, but it’s not. These miserable place I’ve been going on day by day is the problem. Years, I’ve learnt to do it their way while making my own path. But it’s no use until a haley’s comet strike down these fucking place. Day turns into years just like that, and I’m still singing lullaby to myself, whether I stay or go.

Having courage to give up is one thing. But will I still be wondering the exact same thing if I did take the step? Will it be enough?

Kiling Claudius is easy thing to do, but to do so one need to lose yourself at the same time. Yeah, killing oneself is easy task but you will keep wondering what’s gonna happen in the next endlessly journey much bigger than life itself. The calamity of life. To be or not to be, that’s the question.

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life

Hamlet, Act III Scene I