There’s a deep sadness inside me, heavy like chains pulling me down to the bottom of the ocean. My bones feel heavy, soaked with sorrow, and my mind often wanders to thoughts of leaving it all for good. Then, in an instant, the sadness turns into anger, a volatile, negative release I cling to with desperation. It becomes a storm shelter, fragile yet essential, as I try in vain to hide from the tempest within.
Shelter in Storms
This anger, as chaotic and unruly it is, has been my lifeline. To others, it’s toxic, impulsive, something broken that needs fixing. But for me, it’s salvation. Time after time, it has saved me. Like fleeing a tornado only to find a shelter but instead I got life raft, barely cling on that , but it keeps me afloat.
I’ve made peace with this anger, messy as it is. It sustains me when sadness tightens its grip, draining the air from my lungs. When breathing feels like dragging air out of my lung and tears refuse to fall, this anger remains. Heavy as a stone, it reminds me of all I carry. And though imperfect, it’s been my companion for so long that it feels like home.
Dancing with Devils
This anger is like a wound that’s been poorly treated, the stitches come undone. The pain remains, extended and lasting, but it keeps the deeper darkness at bay, forcing me to choose between this madness that sustains me and the silent permanence of death. It neither good or bad, it’s just the lesser evil. I’m just doing a dance with devils on hot coals, barefoot, choosing this pain over leaping into a blazing.
Darkness cannot exist without light , such a twisted yin and yang that leaves me wondering, should I stay or should I go? Is there another way through this abyss? Perhaps there is a path where I don’t have to choose between drowning in sorrow or burning with rage. Perhaps there is something beyond this endless storm. Maybe. In another life.
Should I stay, or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay, it will be double
