Not in This Life

2 min readMay 26, 2023

I always imagined what does it like: having a graceful personality, being mindful or doing meditate every single day. It seems so far yet so close. I guess, for this kind of people always starting as ‘fake it until you make it’. Until finally reached to their peak point, whatever that is.

I never goes into grace. I always and will choose chaos. I imagine myself as this fire ball spurt out everywhere. Burn everyone around and myself including. And this chaotic life of mine, one wrong move then boom the jenga of mine will collapse.

That’s what happened these days. My jenga has collapsed overnight, not the way I planned. But it has happened. I’ve been swearing on life for whatever reason they have been put on. But, what can I do? Even if everyone all around me have forgave all the pain I’ve caused. But, did I do the same to myself? not me, not for myself.

Some would say being content or other called it ‘happiness’ is a state of mind. Perhaps, that part of people has lived graciously, have a perfectly balance life and some others maybe have overcame their battle. But what should we do if life keep failing you. And you can’t even define yourself as which part of those people you are?

Maybe, my own life has been designed as a survivor, as always. This life has been redemption of my past sinful life? Who knows?

Just yesterday I had this conversation with my friend of mine, about how content others, compare to me. Then I stated congruously : “Good for them. But not for me. At least, not in this life”

I would never be one of those people. Not in this life. Never in this life.