After months been trapped in perpetual circle of suffering. Today, those familiar feeling returns. They have been waiting for me, like an old friend visiting and embracing me after not having met in a year or so. As change looms on the horizon, I find myself struggling to breathe, as if I can’t recall how. Those damn panic attack hits again.
When it strikes, it hits so hard. It’s like my head might explode and my whole body restless as if I’ve just run a marathon or what. I’m paralyzed. In this dark moment, I remember a line from a movie which resonates with me “[the thing about depression] is the things that I’m really scared of doing are probably the things that will help me the most, but I just can’t do them”
I always know exactly how to solve a problem. I can analyze every aspect and come up with solutions in seconds. Like now. I know what exactly I should do, but this swirling inside my head I just can’t do it. It’s like I’m being trapped in this frickin’ labyrinth of daedalus where I see a way out but am unable to take it. Not now.
When you’re going in circles and great wave inside your head. It feels like you’re trapped in a whirlpool while the world continues to move around you. That’s what happened now and when I think it’s the end, that’s when I know I’ll face these feelings again tomorrow.
But today, I just need to remind myself to breath and let go all the thoughts swirling in my mind. Breathe and Let Go.
