This time , it’s personal

Eunike
3 min readMay 20, 2022

Just Another Personal Note

It’s been a year I keep writing away from my daily life. A lot has changed since I wrote my last piece here. I remember the first time I create this platform, a wishful thinking of ‘The Eunike’ as the brand to remember by. Something that make me a little bit ‘writer’ than I ever was. It’s all bullshit.

I was deeply into writing and perhaps part of it is blogging. The mere habit just turned into the feeling of making an impact. The looming drought of not being around and doing enough. The same thing wake me up from my sleep until this exact night. So it begins.

A child’s dreaming is underrated passion

Back then, being a writer (so it called) was always be my only identity. Sure thing, it was the last escort my parents could use, since I’m not typical Asian daughter everyone could hope for. Nevertheless, I was consciously chose the path for myself.

Part of it were just the contentment I get from others. The kind of thing I’ve never get before. Since talking about anything is not my strong suit. Although, I could always tell that something’s wrong with this thing inside me. Things that make me awake, crying and shivering for no reason at all.

It was also my last escort to silence it out. And at times to I numb it out. Maybe it was the suppression I got or it could be just me and myself. Writing is a distraction I need to keep my mind busy. The only thing I knew would be my escape plan.

Growing up is countless failures

Growing up is never easy, although being older is never a choice. There were times when life gave you choice. Being a mere writer is out of question for some people, for them. Years ago, I was on the crossroads between continue the halfway journey I always been or just turn an eye. I tried to make a name for myself out of it. Long story short, I tried couple times and I failed miserably.

All the colors I used to feel fade away and the passion burn into ashes.

Choices and Mistake

Precisely four years ago, life hit me with her little asteroid. The times has come, and the tides has turned. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was spring of hope, it was winter of despair, so Dicken said.

The age of death star, so I called. That ashes somehow could burn every part of me till nothing left. Just like that, I was a dead star waiting to shatter. The burden of being alive and all were suffocated me. The times I chose to prove a point and my blindness turn me into this fucking mess I could never get out.

But then again, I was a kid, what did I know? For years, I’ve been a walking corpse with no soul inside me.

Biggest Asteroid into Dead Star

Some say paradigm has shifted, fundamental change happened in the most unexplainable way. Once again life gave me one of the biggest asteroid into my dead star. A choice either life or death. But after all, I swallowed it all.

Looking back, I still wonder why didn’t I die back then? That was when this platform comes back to haunt me once again. I recalled those dream, choices, and mistake in different way. I own it, for better or worse it supposed to be happened either way. I lost so much, but nowhere tears to be seen. The only left were all those numbness was wavering around my body.

Just Today

It is a wonder how a year could shape anyone or whatsoever. It was heartbreaking moment. I am much more older, yet I still act the same stupid old shit I was. Nothing’s really new, except things underneath me. And that’s when this platform come back haunt me again, once more.

Those poetic, selfless with high pride person is already dead. Buried in the back of my mind. One thing about life-death experience is the loneliness inside yourself you cannot share. I wanna make something out of myself. Something more presentable, real and things I could remember by on my deathbeds sometimes later.

So here I am with nobody else, welcoming myself to Eunike’s, and this time, it’s personal.

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