A Year Later

Phew...almost a year I keep this thing away from my daily life. A lot has changed since I wrote the last piece here. Mentally and physically. I remember the first time I create this platform, I want to make ‘The Eunike’ as the brand to remember by. Something I could be proud of. Something that make me a little bit ‘writer’ than I ever was. It’s all bullshit.

I’ve never really into blogging thing let alone be a writer. I just love the feeling of making impact, even if I have to lie about myself. I’m thinking about creating another platform to contain what’s inside my head. But I guess I’m too lazy to do that. So i’m gonna do it here.

12 Years Ago

It was the first time I create and chose to be writer as my whole identity. Such a young and dumb age truth to be told. Most of it, because I was such a copycat of my brother and back then he was kind of a writer. But a speck of it, because I loved it. I loved when people praise me how I write, the message I try to convey each time. Kind of contentment I could never feel before.

I could always tell that something’s wrong with my head. It keep buzzing and so loud each time I try to feel something. So I was and am being numb with everything around me, to suppress what’s inside. And writing it out was about keeping my mind busy. It was my escape plan. And the only thing I knew what and how to do. It was the only coping my family won’t call me crazy or out of my mind. So it was the only thing I know. So I create the blog and all.

8 Years Ago

Born and raised in conservative family, I didn’t have any choice but to chose this thing as my professional life sooner or later. Although i was and am into unorthodox things compared to my circle. After all, I always be a rebel But I didn’t know that I have any other choice. So, I chose to be a research writer, I change my whole platform back then into some feature and editorial, although I was no one. Oh boy, what a smartass.

Again, I’ve never enjoyed the process, I just love the praise I got each time. So I took this thing seriously. Countless workshop and networking event to make something out of me. I learnt a lot and hurt along the way. It was never what I really want instead what I need to do. And to be part of something is the only thing I could bear.

4 Years Ago

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was spring of hope, it was winter of despair, so Dicken said. The age of death star, so I called. The fire I nurtured days, months, years turn into flames that burning every part of me. So that, I became a death star waiting to shatter. It was the most foolish, stupid decision I ever make and I paid my whole life for that. The burden of being under pressure by all around me just suffocate me. The times I chose to prove a point and my blindness turn me into this fucking mess I could never get out. But then again, I was a kid. I didn’t know how to defend myself.

Just like what I did 8 years ago. I chose poorly. I didn’t know that I have any other choice. And I pay the highest price for that.

A Year Ago

Paradigm has shifted, fundamental change happened in the most unexplainable way. Life gave me one of the sourest lemon. But yeah, I swallowed it all. It made me look at my choice several years before. I still do think it was my biggest mistake. But I own it, since it made me focus on much more fundamental aspect of my life. For better or worse, it supposed to be happened either way. This is the moment I lost so much I could bear. Tears is nowhere to be seen. But it made me feel a kind of numbness I always feel. But all is well.

Just Today

I reflect on many things, today. The change within me. It was heartbreaking moment. I am much more older, yet I still act the same stupid old shit I am. Yet, while thinking about all the mistake and the moment I lost myself, I could not bear it no more. Up to today, I still turn my comfort on gaming and writing obviously. Sometimes, I feel miserable for thinking I could not do a single thig right because what I am. But it is what it is. It’s gonna happen either way. So be it.

And also today, I look my medium as something different. Something more presentable and more real. I don’t know that I would be consistent and all. But I know this kind of thing will heal me. I remember what Dewi Lestari in UWRF “It’s too much to take your writing into something that change the world. Instead just write out for you and yourself alone, that’s enough”.




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